batang-pasaway

Time flies by so fast.

Just turned 19 today.

Thank you Lord for another year

batang-pasaway

Yes. I am full of self-pity and I will not deny nor be ashamed of it.

Today, as I was about to get off from work, my supervisor asked me to stay behind because she wanted to tell me something important. 

She went like, "Remember that day you came to me, you were crying and asked me to leave early? That day you told me there was a little argument between you and your mom? You know, early that day, me and my daughter had an argument too. You see my daughter's 22 and still in college and she got pregnant. I got mad at her and told her very bad things. When you came to me crying and said something happened between you and your mom, I felt bad. It sort of occurred to me that maybe my daughter felt the same way so I called her right away and apologized for what happened. "

After she said that, I butted in and told her, "my mom didn't do the same." and I wanted to cry then and there. 

I know I made mistakes myself too. I am only human. I am capable of hurting others and getting myself hurt. I may have not said sorry directly and I may act defensively at most times. But thats just me. Thats how I am. It may sound rude but I am actually just defending myself. Not necessarily being disrespectful.

I've been trying to let everything go. I've been trying to move on. But I'm not that strong especially right now. I am at the most trying part of my life and its so hard to be alone. What makes it harder is when the person you expect to lend you support doesn't even give you any at all.

I'm getting tired of this really. I am so tired of trying, I am so tired of sticking it out on my own. For once, I want to be happy and be carefree. Be that blissful me who can laugh at things even at the most difficult times, me who can use my common sense and free will to think and decide things on my own.

My supervisor ended the talk by saying that I have to learn to live my life coz its short and this is a one time shot. That in the end, whatever I do, I only have myself to either blame or be proud of. 

Easier said than done. 
I am rather very tired and afraid at the same time. Tired and don't know how much longer I can take, Afraid of the things I might end up doing.

I don't know how much longer this'll be but I'll  try my best to stay on track. 

batang-pasaway

Today, I  came into a conclusion that if I were to choose between a lover and a dog, I'd go for the latter. 

Why? 

Simple. 

If you don't feed them for a day, they'll ask for it but will stop when you tell them there's none.
If you don't play with them, they'll sulk but will go away and understand why you won't.

But then tomorrow whatever you did that disappointed them the day before won't matter 'coz they know today things can be different. 

Today, maybe you'll feed them that delicious bone they've been drooling over. 
Today, maybe you'll come home with a new toy and play a new game.

It's like no matter what, they'll love you anyway.

Lovers?

Things are rather more complicated when it comes to them. 

They won't always understand when you're not in the mood, or you don't feel like it. When you act different, or when you say things they don't usually hear from you. 

And then they complicate it more when they let the situation last for long. 

And sometimes, it can end things then and there.

They basically won't always love you anyway. 

Even when they say they do.

If lovers were unconditional enough, I am probably guessing there'll be lesser heartaches in this world.

But then again, things can't always be the way we want them to be.